* Listening to John Humphrys.
I was driving along, switched on the radio and there was good old John Humphrys talking to the CoE Archbishop of Canterbury. Humphrys must be out of challenges if he's trying to pin a C of E Bishop down.
Of course Humphrys (the short bit I heard before slapping the off button) was basically doing what everyone does and picking on a bit of the experiences down here on planet earth he's not happy about. It goes 'If there's a God why does he allow small children to die in pain?'.
Well John that's not the only thing I'm unhappy about, how come trees loose their leaves instead of absorbing them back and storing the good bits instead of dropping the bastard things all over the railway lines and roads. Why does it have to rain, what's wrong with fountains. How come we don't live to be a thousand years old, lets face it three score years and ten hardly gives you time to pay off a mortgage before its pushing up the daisies time. How come God doesn't stop people making hurtful remarks (specifically to me) withou providing a instant cutting retort. I've smarted for weeks over some of the things said to me and only thought of a good rejoinder two days later. How come all animals are vegetarians (except us of course).
that's just a list of the top of my head ( oh and bouncing instead of going splat when falling from heights).
When it comes to grievances lets have an all inclusive list (oh and why did God make heroine addictive, I could go on and on).
Perhaps the question is Why didn't God make a world acceptable and satisfactory to all possible inhabitants ? Lets face it what's wrong with Telly Tubby world, that's got nice furry rabbits and everyday's a holiday.
I encourage you to email your particular beef to Humphry's so he can bring it up should he manage to get an interview with the Divine Being.

* Email Agony Aunt Request.
I received an Email from a young lady called Julie, She says, " Mr Saxby, judging by the odd aside on your blog your partner seems to know what's what could she answer a question for me? Why are Englishmen such a f**king waste of time?."
I was in the process of composing a witty reply when my aforementioned partner pointed out the correspondent hadn't requested sarcasm from me but some advice from her good self. I said if she wanted to answer it she should start her own blog. She then said I was beginning to supply the answer to the question all on my own.
So her answer follows, but before then you will probably want to know these facts about her. So I asked :
. Is she a feminist? Not at all sure about that, her position is essentially ' women are self evidently superior to men and no argument is required, therefore, to justify her position'. When I ask her to name a great female composer she counters that men like to perform tricks for their mothers to get praise, they later transfer this to all women and just never know when to stop.
. Is she English? She claims to be a Celt, whatever that is, and when exasperated refers to me as a 'pig shit thick anglo-saxon', so I guess maybe not.
. Did she type up her reply? Did she hell she dictated it to moi. I could just write a parody if I so wished because -
. Does she read your blog? She says she does not because 'she's heard all a hundred times before' (so I guess that answers the 'is she supportive’ question). Still you never know so in order to avoid another reprimand her full reply follows, just for you Julie.

* Why are Englishmen such a f**king waste of time?

Dear Julie,
First I have to say a lot of people think it is probably genetic, everything seems to be genetic these days. This sort of answer, which usually comes from male geneticists, seems to me to be an attempt to let the fish off the hook. It also sounds like a typical male cop-out, 'I can't help it its the way I'm made', yeah right! So lets treat that answer with the contempt it deserves, bullshit!

Next, yeah they are aren't they, so whose to blame? I'm reluctant to admit it but their mothers for a start, English male culture and the education given to young women.

1. Their mothers. If English mothers would just stop envying their adolescent daughters and believing the things their sons tell them we might see change. No French woman wastes her time squabbling with her daughters; she concentrates her energy on raising her sons. She spends time alone with her son familiarising him with the 'feminine' and directing his desire for mummy's praise to eliciting appropriate responses to the 'feminine'. She knows he'll grow up to be a philanderer, c'est la vie', but at least he will do it well.
The English male tells his mother any lie that comes into his head and gets a smile and a nod from mum. He therefore tells lies to all females. Hey mums, a bit of intuition switched on wouldn't go amiss. Young females see their brothers getting away with the most transparent of untruths and assume it’s a male prerogative.

2. English male culture. This is what English men do when they get together (so called bonding). When young males get drunk and entertain themselves by seeing who can belch and fart the longest and the loudest. They see that the male role model, should there be one, comes home flops in front of the TV, drinks beer and farts and belches his way through till bedtime, ignoring all requests for decorum. Mr Darcy he isn’t.

3.Education.
Young women from the age of 11 onwards require two skills usually absent from their curriculum. What are these?
Dog training and horse riding. I know you think I'm kidding, if young women were taught these to arts they would have knowledge that would prepare them for the shock of English male courtship. Remember what I said about performing tricks for mummy and lying. These two skills, one of which was once thought to be essential for a woman’s education are all that are required to manage the male. Reward for correct behaviour e.g. staying put till called, guiding actions e.g. coaxing a nervous horse over a fence.
I hope this gave you some help.

Sincere condolences
Gwen.

That’s what I believe she said, but remember I only type with one finger. No doubt I'll be hearing if I got anything wrong. I must assure all male readers that She doesn't get away with any of that dog and horse stuff with me, and before they write, no there's no whips, collars and leads shenanigans going on, also, I've no idea where she got that farting and belching stuff from either.

* Immigrants and integration. I accidently switched to BBC1's 'Question Time' or 'Applaud a Platitude' the name it is better known by.
Apart from learning some interesting facts about cheese, the question of the failure of immigrants to integrate with the indigenous population was raised.
One such community amounting to 2 million people was specifically mentioned. These immigrants make absolutely no attempt to integrate, to learn the language, they include many criminals, they live in ghettos where to enter, is like stepping across the sea to their home country. Not only this but they are notoriously problematic to the police and do not understand the historical culture upon which they intrude. These people stand out like a boil on a babies arse.
It is now time to request the immigrant English in Spain to return home and leave the long suffering Spanish population to cleanse the vomit and urine stained streets of enclave Britain and invite an acceptable peoples to replace them.

Obviously this is a matter for the Spanish but I think they could do little better than invite the Swiss, an exceedingly clean race who would not dream of urinating against a neighbour's gate post or ejecting the contents of they're stomach into their neighbour's garden.

* Mothers of age 50 years and over. The BBC news for morons made a great song and dance about an American study investigating the stress levels between women of 30 yrs and 40 yrs and women of 50 yrs and over. The result was age has no effect on the ability to rear children. Much crowing and tara-tara from the cokehead impersonators.
I could not be so cynical as to suggest that private medicine in the USA might have an interest in promoting this study as this would impugn the disinterested nature of medical establishment and to the small minded suggest a pecuniary interest by these saintly persons.

* So I, John Saxby, decided to investigate. I can now assure you that this study is totally valid. The details speak for themselves.

. Selecting women who had been treated at the same clinic :

. 49 women who conceived and delivered after the age of 50 were matched to women in their 40s and 30s who were treated by IVF.

. The selected 129 women were mailed questionnaires on parenting stress and physical and mental well-being.

. Of these 64 returned completed questionnaires.

. Their self-reported results showed that the women in their 50s had slightly lower physical functioning scores than the younger women, but the older women had higher mental functioning scores.

. There was no significant difference between the older and younger women in terms of overall parenting stress.

As a caveat it was reported many of the older women were married to significantly younger men, which might have helped reduce the stress of motherhood, and were also financially comfortable.

You don't get more scientific than that. A small minded former friend suggested that the question of nannys, nurses wasn't covered. Scurrilous sod, no scientist would omit significant data like that.

* So its all go for the older women with on-board toyboys. The treatment will have to be provided by the national health, please write to your MP supporting this.
As a younger partner is usually present, when the children are in their 20's and Mum doesn't recognise who they are any more, the younger father will be there to pat mum's hand and reassure the children.

* In light of this definitive study it would be well for publishers to examine their catalogs on Gerontology, a quick check shows my volumes to suggest their is a difference between women of 50 years and women of 30 years. Looks like a big recall and shredding to me.

* Come on you older Gals get breeding.

* Bin Laden is not a very popular person in the West but one has to salute this man. He has taken his team, Al Qaida, from the obscurity of the bottom divisions to the number one position in the premiere league. Just like Manchester United I certainly would never support him but his achievements cannot be denied. Numero uno above even such challengers as Hezbollah.

* Bin Laden's Balloons.
Puffed up by hot air.
 

* Cannabis warning adverts are to be put out on TV in Britain to deter young people from experimenting with this deadly drug that causes schizophrenia and other mental illnesses.
About time too in my opinion. How many people have had my experience which is becoming all too frequent?
There I am down the pub with a few friends having a quiet drink, a game of darts is going on, young people are listening to the juke box and playing harmless alchopops drinking games. The next moment the door bursts open and in amble a bunch of drug-crazed pot smokers. Bumping into people, crowding the bar, laughing like insane hyeanas and insulting the ladies. A quiet Saturday night becomes a nightmare that has normal everyday people cowering in their seats, as twenty or more Jeykl and Hydes babble inanities. All this seems to last for hours until they finally purchase their green cigerette papers and stagger howling into the street.
I personally blame Mrs Thatcher and her 'care in the community' policy for the mentally infirm. Why the idiot woman couldn't just privatise the mental hospitals I don't know. If one of her cabinet could have mustered up the b*lls to point out to her that we would have no where to put these hash inflamed lunatics then perhaps we could get on with the business of getting completely rat-*rsed on a Saturday night (which is every English-persons right) without the sort of disturbing scenes I have just related.

* Veils - Would you Adam and Eve it, they're still on about veils. Now we have worries about riots over wearing veils. BBC news cue shots of a previous riot in case you had forgotten what a riot was. Look,they can't see your face in a veil on CCTV footage that's why its no veil alright, despite protestations that no Muslim terrorist male would disguise himself as a woman (too shameful) prior to exploding, some people have their doubts, O.K!

* Torchwood BBC3. – I take it all back about the BBC cokehead impersonators, watch raunchy Torchwood. Last night we saw the first two episodes.
What's it about? - you ask.
Sexy welsh tottie policewoman joins Captain Jack's team after a suicide creates a vacancy for the hot to trot' PC.
One of Captain Jack's acolytes goes out for the night to pick up some hottie. The hottie gives him the big Get Lost. Our acolyte sprays himself with alien spray then she's all over him dragging him home for some action (my partner complained that it was a drug rape eh!) on the way they meet her boyfreind, more spray and the boyfriend fancies our guy and we're all set for 2M, 1F action, but our acolyte bails.
Next a sex-crazy alien made of smoke lands and inhabits the body of a clubbing looker. Next minute she's back in the club, hot as hell, picking up a guy and its all hetero-action in the ladies toilets watch on CCTV by a masturbating security guard.
After the picked up guy has finished he's dust (just like in Buffy).
Captain Jack(who's immortal by the way) and his crew track and capture the rampant alien possessed looker who's put in a holding cell. Next its girl on girl action with the hottie PC and the possessed girl watched on CCTV by Jack and his pals. One of Jacks sidekicks says I thought she was straight. You and your categories, quips our Jack.
Bad news though our possessed looker is desperate for a man and rejects the bisexual PC. Ms Possessed escapes and tracks down her boyfreind. She then castigates him for being a wham, bam, thankyou Mam, man, leaving her panting for more after he's had his wicked way.
Captain Jack arrives and notices the alien is too rampant for the looker, so the randy PC begs the alien to possess her. Unfortunately old spoil sport Jack captures the alien and kills it.
Nothing for it but our panting PC goes home and demands an early night from her eager partner.
* That's what we pay our license fee for, eat your heart out Channel 4, where's my "I'M A TORCHWOOD GUY" T-shirt.





 

* Simon Schama on Art - BBC2
How we roared never did we think Simon was up for comedy. The first program was on Caravaggio. How did this come to be made we all wonder.
Cue Simon with his script.
BBC person1- But darling there's only 40 minutes here.
BBC person2 - Mmmmm, wait a minute I'll just go and kneel before the great porcelain throne and do a hotline call to the god of inspiration.
Cue 5 minutes later, enter BBC person2 showing signs of incipient heavy cold.
BBC person2 - I see actor in period costume, I see waving of swords and knives, I see intense over-acting, I see the angst of the artist in half crazed eyes.
BBC person1 - Darling, yes yes , darling. etc.
Cue End of the Caravaggio episode
Cue scene worthy of monty-python at its best
Cue cry arrrrrgh on a beach.
Cue laughter and tears wiped from the eyes of merry faces.

* Al Qaida - Or however you spell it. Yesterday was lots of laughs day in the UK. On the BBC TV News for morons. We had Al Qaida, Veils, Life Terminations all on the same day.

* Comedy moment 1 - Veils - Come on out with it, veils are out because we can't identify you on video surveillance cameras. Now come on you don't want the government to spend a fortune on cameras that see thru clothes do you. The current Veilist went to a tribunal and was deeply offended , no doubt, only to be offered £1,000 for being asked to unveil. She will be appealing until a more acceptable verdict and  payout is offered. The Labour government passed all these stupid laws about discrimination and incitement so here's hoping they're hoisted on their own petard.

* Comedy moment 2. The secret services announced that the UK was Numero Uno in the Al Qaida 'Get Them' list. It was revealed that they had organised themselves into small cells of activists along the lines of every group in a spy thriller (the IRA being the example of choice for MI5/ MI6). So instead of gathering in the open in there hundreds Al Qaida will be meeting in groups of four. One assumes that the USA has lost its prime position while it continues to elect Presidents of George Bush's calibre.

* Comedy moment 3. 'Help kill the ill' is back on the news agenda. A man was freed after helping his wife, an MS sufferer, commit suicide. There is a strong lobby or so it is claimed wanting the right for people with terminal illnesses to have a member of the medical services murder them. The examples given by the gerbil lovers and cokehead impersonators at the BBC all involved terminally ill patients who had attempted suicide unsuccessfully a number of occasions and needed a helping hand.
I would have thought that killing yourself was a fairly easy thing to accomplish albeit requiring a number of visits to the chemist due to restrictions on the number of tablets that can be purchased at one time. Its not as though we're talking spur-of-the-moment attempts.
Opponents to the idea of mercy killings include the seriously ill and disabled who are terrified someone might turn their assessment of what constitutes 'quality of life' on them. Who can blame them.
Supporters say it would save people having to pay for the Swiss to murder them.
They strongly reject the 'thin end of the wedge' argument that the terrified ill and disabled fear. This, they say, will not happen. In this I concur, the same argument was used in opposition to the legalisation of abortion. Abortion would require two Doctor's signatures and only be used for pregnancy due to incest or rape or where a woman's life was threatened. The high figures for abortions in the UK only shows the prevalence of rape and incest in this country and the poor state of women's health.
Fear not you without 'quality of life' for Dr Shippam will be making a home visit.

* Israel - Cluster bombs.
Apparently (as you probably know) the Israelis, during the last few days of their attempt to demolish the infrastructure of Lebanon, hurled an astonishing number of cluster bombs into the south of Lebanon as a kind of 'something to remember us by' parting gift. These unexploded bombs kill 3 or 4 people a day. The Israelis response to the query, 'What was all that about then?' is merely to point out that cluster bombs are not illegal (that is, if you are a nation state and have cluster bombs the rest of the worlds nations say that's OK).

* Cluster bombs are basically booby traps designed to discourage curiosity about things you may find lying around on the ground. Some misguided people have asked the question, 'Is Israel justified in their use of this weapon in this particular case?'.
The answer to this question is 'Yes', because to disagree with the policies of the State of Israel is to be anti-Semitic, a racist, or so I have been informed by the Chief Rabbi in England. This is not a label you want in this country where such matters are likely to lead to an appearance in court.

* DaVinci Code. Channel 4 had a program investigating the claims in Dan Brown's novel. This program covered in part the much discussed 'Last Supper' by Leonardo DaVinci. This investigation is not worth covering but it re-iterated the claim that the figure of the Apostle John on Christs right-hand is taken by many people to be a woman. Whether this figure still resembles the original is open to debate. The chances of 11 Jewish males of the first century sitting down to a meal with a female on the table head's right-hand is not covered. Why she's not serving and generally tending to the requirements of the men is not covered.

* The Dan Brown explanation is that this figure is Mary Magdalene. This is the secret message from Leonardo DaVinci.

* Here's a better one
. Leonardo was known to be homosexual.
. The Apostle John is described in the Gospels as 'the Disciple who Jesus loved'.
. John is shown on Christs right-hand (prime pecking order position).
. Leonardo's feminine figure is supposed to represent Christs attitude to John.
. Leonardo's secret message is a jibe that the relationship between John and
Christ was a bit more than close friends.

* Russia. For some reason Russia has been getting a lot of stick in the media lately. I suppose now the cold war is over everyone is getting nostalgic for the days when you could accuse the USSR of anything that came to mind. I was personally puzzled as a young teenager by the west's propaganda. On the one hand the USSR was to be feared for the mighty efficiency and technology of its armed forces who were ready to sweep into England and put us all in gualags, on the other hand the USSR couldn't build a car that didn't breakdown within minutes of purchase and all the domestic equipment was crap.

* Russia never seems to have been given any credit for its part in WWII. The Americans often jibe that they pulled Britain out of the shit and won the war. Any serious reading suggests to the contrary that if Hitler hadn't been so dumb as to invade Russia then there would have been no Eastern front and any attempt to get over the channel to France would have been met with all those forces fighting desperately to keep the Russians at bay. Its about time we had a 'Thanks for the incredible sacrifice day' for the Russians.

* It might not go amiss to apologise for sending over all those idiot monetarists to completely screw the Russian economy after the communist regime collapsed. Who thought it would be a good idea to go from a centralised, nationalised economy straight to a capitalist economy was a good idea?
I'm no expert so my opinion is worth nothing but it looked like some smart bastard decided to screw them over while their guard was down

* Anyway how can you fault a country whose leader Mr Putin when tackled over democracy by president Bush responds 'Well we don't want a democracy like they have in IRAQ'. (cutting humour wins everytime)

* Here in England everybody has gone 'to wear a veil' or 'not to wear a veil' mad (the mental health of the English is in serious doubt). This was followed up with 'to wear a cross to work' or 'not to wear a cross to work' idiocy.

* The English have no innate religious inclinations so why veils and crosses should entrance the media is totally baffling. The only worry anybody has, as my brother pointed out, is whether they are sat next to an unexploded terrorist or not. If someone wants their partner (of either sex of course) to wear a bag over their head who cares, as long as they are both consenting adults.

* The other big wheeze of the weekend was to make faith schools (whatever that's supposed to mean) take 25% non-faith pupils. This wasn't much clarified, do they mean 25% agnostics and atheists or anyone who holds a contrary view. What steps will be taken to ensure that the applicants genuinely hold an alternative position was not detailed.

* The church of England needless to say have no problem with this. The church of England was described by one commentator as 'so much milksop and water as to neither affect a man's politics or pastimes'. Such a broad church that they have atheists amongst their ordained ministers.

* Still the church of England was founded by Henry VIII. When the church first started (as it is related in the Gospels) Christ said of Saint Peter 'on this rock I will found my Church. Presumably when Henry VIII created the church of England the Almighty said 'On this murderous, adulterous, thieving, syphilitic I will build a new church' ?

* Feminist O. A young teenage woman of my acquaintance came round the other evening to pass some time before meeting her friends. As an avid listener to the BBC radio 4 program woman's hour I asked how she and her friends stood in regard to feminism. A popular topic on woman's hour. Apparently She endorsed the struggle the previous generation of women had embarked upon. She made a number of minor complaints relating to combining working, child bearing, child raising, househusbandry, which you are no doubt familiar with.
* The point that amused me was her annoyance at having to fake orgasms. Previously English women had only to lie back and 'think about England', but now the male partner expects the enthusiastic and active participation of the female, then there is the incessant query 'madam are you ready' wearying of this the female then has to method act a simulated orgasm that will satisfy the male. At this point the young woman and young man concerned have only Hollywood to go by so much note has to be taken at the cinema to be able to replicate a suitable scene which may satisfy the male.
* This 'women have a right to joyful fulfilling sex' has increased (she believes) the deception carried on between male and female, muddied the water and caused more mystification upon the female than there was before. Unfortunately I could not contain my amusement and she left after much comforting from my female partner and a good telling off for me from the same.

* Apparently there was a late night conference call by the government too discus commenta made by the head of the armed forces to the effect that IRAQ is a complete balls up so lets get the troops out, the Iraqi people don't want us there. What is astonishing is not the comments by the head of armed forces which were a sensible assessment given that 650,000+ Iraqis have died since we set them free and gave them democracy (much higher score than Saddam) but the fact that the Whitehouse wanted to join in. Easy there Mr Americano, we know you give us instructions but actually joining the government as a member is a bit overt for us Brits.

* Another fascinating behaviour here in the land of booze is the response to mentioning President Bush. It was a common observation that President Bush is a bit of a joke, but now just mentioning him results in a laughter from any audience. He even came within the top 10 of the 100 funniest moments voted for by the British public. Any stand up comedian whose act is dying on its feet can save himself by just saying President Bush. Maybe the Americans have a darker sense of humour than we gave them credit for when they voted this clown into the Whitehouse.

* IRAQ. Oh shame, the BBC announced that their are 100 deaths a day in IRAQ, of which 50 to 60 have been kidnapped, tortured and shot in the head, then they're bodies are dumped. Last week we heard that the British government knew that when invading IRAQ the USA intended to dismantle the State without retaining any layers of governance. Still we went ahead.

* Mr Anthony Blair should shave his head, cover it with ashes and walk barefoot to Mecca and back.

 * Advice to UK immigrants : Part 2
Where to live.
Obviously you will want to make for London as the first place of residence. This large and overrated city has millions of inhabitants of every race, colour and creed. Staying hidden here is no problem. No matter what community you are looking for you will find one here. Unless you come from a country whose inhabitants are well known for oppresiings their own kind to make a living, you should head there and vanish from view.

*Immigrants in London are a bit like the old conundrum , "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?", the answer to which is the same as that to the question "How many illegal immigrants are living in London?",Answer : "As many as want to".

*It may occur to you at sometime to ask the question, "Should I move to the north of England?". Well its your decision but the answer is "Probably not". Pourquoi, its fine if you like dark, grey, dingy towns which look as if they were planned by a very depressed demon from hell. They suffer from awful post-Thatcherite blight and the average life expectancy is well below that in the south, also the sun rarely shines there.

* "What about the midlands?", I hear you say. Well, it is near the south but also close to the north. It looks very similar to the north but has the advantage of Birmingham which can be easily reached where vanishing from view is almost as easy as London.

* Next Part 3 of advice to immigrants, covering how to get what you want, this part is entitled "Squeaky Wheel".

* Fat b**tards. Apparently the English are the fattest European nation. This should come as no surprise to those familiar with the English aping of American ways. Why Britain is ever used together with the word European is a mystery. The English are no more European than the Japanese. A friend runs a clothes shop in England and gave me a tip that is useless to me but may be of use to others. When ordering clothes from China she has the sizes reduced by 2 and 4 sizes. 2 for the lower and 4 for the bigger sizes. She claims this has doubled her turnover as overweight women can pick up a size 18 that is really a 22. Size 14 labeled 12.

* Face veils. This is the big topic in the media this weekend. Personally I rush to the Sunday newspaper the Observer to read my horoscope. The best horoscope is in the Observer and its accuracy is uncanny. I throw the rest in the bin. Still back to veils apparently face veils worn by Muslim women means when you talk to them you can't see their faces. Apparently this makes some males (i.e. Jack Straw) uncomfortable. A pity more English women don't copy them on a Friday and Saturday night when their distorted drunken faces leer up at you from the gutter where they have stumbled. There are groups of civic minded individuals who actually make it their hobby to help these drink sodden wretches get home. I think leaving them where they are but putting veils on them would suffice. This would also prevent their vomit scented breath gusting in your face as their scream imprecations at passing revellers.

* The other item receiving attention was the plight of children in care and how the society had failed them. Let us face it they have no chance. Nobody in Britain wants to bring up their own children let alone someone else's. The English have never liked children very much and nothing has changed. Most parents work and the children are dropped off with carers, at creches or left with nanny (if money stretches to it), once of age they are left to the schooling system. It used to be the job of the schools to educate children, now they are expected to raise them as well.
In times gone by children were left with a household of the lower orders, if they were not seriously handicapped or imbeciles they were then reclaimed by the parents about the age of five. Given the rise of a new underclass it seems to me that this tradition should be revived.

* George Bush, a dumb f**k.
The mystery is why would a nation such as the USA vote a F**kWits into the highest position in the country? Nobody could mistake George F**kWits for a reasonably bright guy. The reason Georgie F**kWits got in may be that Americans never vote for policies but vote for rhetoric. There you go now this MegaF**kWits has got the 'Home of the brave and free' into another embarassing war. Good old F**kWits says 'Bring it on', so they did. Even Afghanistan is looking ropey and now the British are having to sort it out for him. Now doubt we will be receiving F*** all for the privilege. The state of Iraq is so bad bringing back Saddam is looking like a good option.
There you go the rules of war : "Never indulge in military adventurism with the Americans", Anthony, Anthony Blair, your a dumb f**k too.

* emigrating to Britain.
Part 1. Getting there.
Britain is an island so some form of transport will need to be arranged. There are many (illicit) organisations that can arrange this for you at a price, or you can just fly in. The following should be observed :
. Ensure you have no documentation with you that identifies your country of origin. In this way you can claim to be from a country which has a war or is known for its human rights violations.
. Remember once in Britain you can be sure of at the least 6 years before (worse case scenario) you are asked to leave.
. Even if you speak fluent English pretend to know only a few phrases. An interpreter will then be hired and you can listen in.
. Always claim you will be tortured and killed always stick to this story even if it is proved without doubt that you have come from a land of peace and plenty.
. Always become excitable as soon as your story is doubted but ensure long periods of placidity between these episodes.
. If possible arrive with a wife and children even if you have to gather them up before you come. This may even allow you to fund your own trip.

Tomorrow part 2 . Where to settle.

* Nothing annoyed me enough to be bothered commenting on. I'll just have to complain about the Yankee request that we take some of their prisoners from Guantanemo (or however you spell it. You locked the b****rs up you get rid of 'em. It amazes me we didn't take them given Blairs taste for American arse. I suppose as he's (hooray) on his way out and, hopefully, will soon be emigrating to the land he loves so well the possible replacements are wondering about the wisdom of accepting more enraged Muslims to the ever growing number we already have. Apparently the Americans wanted them watched 24 hrs a day. I don't know why they think we can do that as we can't keep track of immigrants who arrive and are refused permission to stay. If these people don't leave of their own accord nobody has a clue where they are and probably nobody has a clue if they have left. I will shortly be giving advice to people thinking of freeloading in Britain, free housing, free money, free grants and your own parliament, its well worth dropping in.

* BBC choice. Radio 4 had a program (which I must admit I didn't listen to, except the into) about the difficult choice a Dominican Friar had to choose between his boyfriend and the monastic celibate life. Well I don't know about you but if I was gay and intended to lead a religious celibate life, then living amongst a load of men in a males only environment wouldn't be top of my list. If you heard a hetero-sexual male friend intended to lead a celibate life in a convent (not of course that it would be allowed) you might recommend he have a re-think. Well I guess gay sex won as he now makes religious programs. This is the sort of crap the BBC loves.

*BBC puts boot into Pope.
The gerbil lovers and imitators of cokeheads at the BBC have once again decided to give the RC church a good kick. The gerbil lovers incensed at the refusal of the Church of Rome to recommend the gay life style have produced a Panorama program accusing the Pope of deliberate complicity in covering up the activities of paedophile priests. The BBC's anti-catholic stance has become more overt over the last few years.

*It would be more interesting to have a program that explores the strange relationship between the abused and the abusers. The fact that the majority of offences are perpertrated by fathers, brothers, step-fathers, step-brothers, Uncles and family friends seems never to be tackled. What actually happens psychologically when a teenage boy (for example) is continually abused by an adult external to the family. One would think after the first attempt the victim would avoid the abuser like the plague. This does not appear to be the case.

* Returning to the BBC, which denies that it is dumbimg down, what was the Culture Show program on Saturday supposed to be about? The presenter had all the penetration and insight of a big brother z list celebrity. I never thought it would happen but I actually felt embarrassed for the pop singer Sting after her attempt to discus the artists interest in the lute and its music. Who is this moron? Still we now live in the Age of the Moron and serves us damn right.