* Loaded examinations.
The BBC Radio 4 informs us that the current GCSE & A'level examinations since the 1970s have been loaded in favour of the female of our species. This is a result of the emphasis on course work and the framing of questions to be female friendly. This has resulted, at the high scoring end of the examination results, in females getting better results than males. This is of course outrageous and a result of feminist pressure. This gap has been widening until we now have males having to compete in examinations that until comparitively recently favoured the males. This bias must be corrected immediately. This of course is a result of allowing females to be educated, this was not allowed until the beginning of the twentieth century. Its about time women went back to learning to embroider and how to cook and stopped denting male egos by getting better results in subjects which have previously been a male preserve. It will serve women right if their boyfriends sulk for even longer periods than they do at present.

* Pulling at the BBC.
The gerbil lovers and cokehead impersonators at the BBC after their terrific success with the program Torchwood have another winner on their hands with the comedy program 'Pulling', this envelope stretching piece of humour should have Channel 4 'pulling' its hair out. The program commenced with a couple in bed the male having been masturbated by his female partner. She gets up and leaves the bedroom. The male is concerned about the ejaculate which has been deposited on his abdomen. He searches in the bedside cabinet, presumably for a cloth or tissue, but finds none. On the cabinet is a broadleafed decorative household plant, he breaks off one of the leaves and uses it to scrape the ejaculate off his stomach! I, together with the laughter machine, were convulsed in uncontrollable laughter so much so that I was unable to watch anymore of the program. After calming down I contemplated the plight of males being screwed by the examination system.

* Christmas is coming.
My partner agreed that I would look after one of her friends children while they went off somewhere to do something. They dumped 7 yr old Darren at the door and told me not to give him any nuts. My partner had left a Scooby-Doo video to entertain the little treasure.
As we were sat there I asked young Darren what Santa was bringing him for Christmas. He replied that Santa wasn't brining him anything. A bit surprised I asked if this was because he had been a bad boy. He replied that Santa wasn't bringing him anything for Christmas because Father Christmas doesn't exist and is just a load of rubbish parents tell their kids.
So what do you want for Christmas I enquired. He said he hadn't choosen his present yet. How come I asked him. He hadn't choosen because his mother couldn't find the Argos catalog. He looks through this and rings the presents he wants (maximum 5) and puts a letter B next to his big present. Then his dad will see if he can get them cheaper on the Internet.
I then asked if he was doing anything at school for Christmas, for instance a nativity play. He had no idea what a nativity play was but informed me his class had to choose a Christmas message. Each class in the school would then file out infront of their adoring parents and shout out the message and then sing a song.
His class wanted to do 'A pet is not just for Christmas' but it had already been bagsed by another class. Instead they were doing 'Remember the children in Africa this Christmas' for their message and were then singing 'Here it is merry Christmas everybody's having fun'.
I was overcome with emotion at this description of a typical English Christmas. Even so I was greatly relieved when his parents returned and took him away.

* Independence for England.
A survey has been carried out which reveals that 65% of English persons want independence for England and wish the Scots, Welsh, Northern Irish would stop interfering in Emglish affairs and go away. The proposal is that the aforementioned peoples become independent states and England be granted its own Parliament and independence. This is an excellent idea. It means of course that the Labour party would never form a government again. This is just as well considering the mess they've made of the job so far, house prices no one can afford, the KGB running willy nilly around the place, chronic debt, Iraq, etc, etc.
* Northern Ireland
Dumping Northern Ireland makes sense, for a start its in the north and no one in England (or anywhere else) understands the Northern Irish. They can be left alone refusing to co-operate with each other, marching provocatively past each others houses and admiring apprenticeships. We no longer have apprenticeships in England as they were abolished by the calamitous Mrs Thatcher who decided skilled workmen were a con by the unions to extract high wages from put upon businesses. This turned out to be slightly incorrect, luckily we can now import cheap skilled workmen from Eastern Europe.
* Wales
No one in England knows anything about or likes the Welsh so they can get on with whatever it is they do.
* Scotland
Everyone in England believes the Scots are costing them oodles of dosh. Unfortunately North sea oil and gas comes from up there, however, this is running out so who cares. The English will have to remember not to start any wars as there wont be any one to fight them for us but otherwise no problem.
* The North of England.
This is a bit of a problem. Perhaps the Scots could be bribed to extend there borders down to the Wash. Failing this, we could just not tell the dumb northerners anything about it and leave the north as a buffer zone between the Scots and England. Northerners can then be left to breed pidgeons and grow large vegetables. A proxy MP could be appointed to deal with northern issues. As long as these ugly people keep us supplied with episodes of Coronation Street all will be well.
* Middle and Southern England.
This would constitute England or 'England Modern' as I feel we would call it. We could then get on with the business of getting very drunk, snorting BBC grade cocaine, running up enormous debt and flying off on three or four foreign holidays a year. I feel a new Golden Age coming for England. All in time for the embarassment of not being ready for the Olympics.
Albion Arise, etc etc.

* Nation Of Sportsmen. England has suffered some blows on the sportsfield all in games which the English invented. First the unfortunate football game where England lost 2 - nill to renowned footballing nation Croatia. The highly paid footballers of England seem unable to measure up to foreign competition. I mean its not as though we're trawling the third division for players. These overpaid martinets of the premiere division seem unable to pass the ball to each other let alone score goals. No doubt they seek consolation in their well deserved pay cheques.
Next the English defending the Ashes against Australia are mercilessly outclassed at cricket (possibly the most tedious game ever invented). The final feather in the English cap is the performance of our Rugby team against the South Africans. Such an abysmal performance that they are booed off the pitch. All this just confirms what I have been saying.
The final icing on the cake was the announcement that the national Pie Eating competition has had the rules changed so that it is no longer how many meat pies you can eat in a given time, but how fast you can eat one meat pie! All in the name of politically correct consumption due to concerns over lard *rse Britain. Hang your heads and weep!.

* I haven't touched on the poisoned spy scandal as there is nothing one can add to the unfolding story as covered by the BBC. There seemed to be an inordinate amount of excitement about the possibility that Russia was upto its old tricks again.
I decided to consult my Uncle Dave who has been extremely morose since the cold war ceased. Uncle Dave was very downbeat about the possibility of the being a KGB-FSB (the terms being interchangeable on the BBC) operation.In the old days, said Uncle Dave nostalgically, the target would disappear having been kidnapped, then would be smuggled back to Russia, locked up in the Lubyanka prison, where their life would be made extremely miserable for a few weeks before being bound and thrown alive into the basement furnace. Still ,he said, the way standards are falling ....

* Inheritance - The BBC this morning announced it has a web page where you may enter the song you would like to pass on to the next generation. The example played was the predictable piece of tosh about over coming obstacles, how noble and self-affirming the contributor had been and how much the track meant to them. Expect vast numbers of such tracks submitted by that useless and worthless generation the Baby Boomers along the lines of 'My Way' and 'I WIll Survive'. I have been following the twists and turns of the Baby Boomers for some time. When purchasing the Observer newspaper for their excellent and incredibly accurate horoscope, instead of turfing the remainder in the bin I have been examining the pages to read the self-justifications of this generation of hypocrites. Never was a generation served so much on a plate. Their children will be getting f**k all except an mp3 of their parent's favourite track.
The Baby Boomers have for some time been writing articles explaining to each other why they need not leave their children an inheritance but can spend the whole lot on themselves. Not something they encouraged or encourage their own parents to do. Poised like vultures over the death bed followed by a Mexican stand-off round the Will.
One has, however, to admire this generation who have used the deceit and slyness they practiced on their own parents to stitch up their children. As they retire or cruise to retirement as the last members of a full salary pension scheme, there children are now signed up in worthless schemes that will provide, you guessed it, f**k all. In the mean time they have distracted their children with bad sex and cheap alcohol and loaded them with debt. Luckily for the Baby Boomers their children grew up in the Thatcher years and bought it hook line and sinker.
Another admirable ruse by the self-Love generation who spawned a whole industry of self-help books, 'my own space, finding myself' (yeah good luck with that, there has to be something to find you ******* *****), but I digress, having opened the doors to 'come aboard Britain' they are leaving the country like rats to form enclaves in Europe and Australia. Australia is by far the most popular, supposedly because of TV programs like Neighbours, but actually because they saw that when immigrants arrived in boats at the shores of Australia the Australians wouldn't let them land and took them to some far off island.
Wake up girls and boys your parents are f**king you over while you lie vomiting in the gutter.

* Cocaine news.
According to the BBC news for morons the British are top of the table for coke consumption in Europe. Typically no comparison was given with the US or Australia the countries we're actually interested in. It wasn't made plain whether this was gross consumption or head of population, nor was it explained how the figure was arrived at. Perhaps there is a secret government office where coke dealers can ring through their sales figures for the week/month. "Ref: C234 here, we did 2 kilos this month 4% up on the previous month." Is the figure adjusted for police seizures? The BBC announced that the best coke was cut to 70% purity and the bottom of the selling pyramid was cut to 30% purity. I intend in future to refer to the best coke as 'BBC standard cocaine' (70% pure).
We also learnt that a campaign is underway to persuade the English not to use the drug. It is apparently popular at middle class parties. This is a horrifying thought, one can only shudder when contemplating what is suggested when one of the middle classes has "The Big Idea". We were told that the cocaine is cut with phenacetin. This drug apparently can cause cancer. It was discovered in 1887.
Where they were buying this from was not made clear though I've been told paracetamol can be derived from it.
In addition the campaign will point out that cocaine smugglers often use dogs to smuggle the drug. Have these people no conscience. The drug is sewn inside the dog under the dogs stomach. The dog is then brought into Britain. I thought that strict quarantine laws applied to animals brought into Britain. I am now very confused. The image of long lines of swarthy South Americans each with a dog on a string queueing at the ports of Britain springs to mind.
The essential point is that many of these dogs are not taken to the vets to have the package removed but are killed and cut open. This is not the sort of thing the English will tolerate and I urge all Animal Rights campaigners to switch their attentions to coke dealers. This should clear drug from our shores PDQ.

* Last night I was snorting BBC Standard coke when the muse of poetry descended on me and I wrote the following piece of literary excellence.

Early sleeper, early riser
Up with the dawn, but non the wiser
Got the runs, worse case yet
well upto my *rse in debt
F**k getting up early then.

* Minimum Wage.
When the government introduced its minimum wage there was the usual outcry from the CBI that small businesses would be forced into bankruptcy, driven to its knees, etc, etc. This predictable tosh was ignored and the minimum wage we have. What few people realised e.g. the unions, when they applauded this move was that the minimum wage is in fact a government target. Its purpose being to flag a level to which the wages for all unskilled jobs should aim. The free influx of immigrants was part of the same plan to make Britain a place for businesses to invest in. The immigrants could be relied upon to take up jobs at these depressed rates, this would drive average unskilled labour costs down and hey presto a vibrant and driving economy.
This plan has been astoundingly successful. The numbers of people willing to move to England and work for £5.30 an hour has far exceeded the governments expectations. This desire to ensure a wider and wider gap between the rich and the poorly paid is being met and we can only hope that shortly it will be as wide as those in America.
Looking to the past, the government has realised that with insulting wages, cheap alcohol is a historical necessity. Drink sodden wretches being part and parcel of the drive to a better Britain and an economic miracle.
The only fly in the ointment is the workshy underclass created by Mrs Thatcher. They gum up the works by occupying sub-standard housing that could be allocated to the many immigrants willing to work for a pittance.
An urgent solution is required to this problem. Come on Tony Blair this is your big chance to make a lasting legacy and clear up the mess created by the disasterous Mrs Thatcher.

* Free Heroin.
Another head of a police force has suggested that heroin be given free to junkies and the suggestion has received the usual tirade from the media and the usual loud mouths. The first reason that this suggestion is greeeted with derision is the still strong streak of protestant ethic that runs in the country. The feeling is that these people will be receiving an enjoyable experience for free.
Heroin was once given to junkies but a concerted newspaper campaign was launched when junkies in Britain rose from 15 to 60. This resulted in the methadone solution and thousands of junkies. Well done the press, idiots to a person.
The government which is supposed to understand how markets work is unable to see that free heroin kills the heroin business stone dead. Shall I rob house and buy cut heroin or get decent stuff free? the junkie asks. Obviously he will continue to rob and buy crap junk.
The heroin trade is the only successful form of pyramid selling. You fix up heroin, become addicted, to get your own supply you buy more than you need, cut it, sell it to your friends, in a short while your customers keep coming back. They then buy junk from you cut it. The chain ends when either there are no more potential customers or the junk is so heavily cut that it can't be further divided. This kind of marketing sells itself.
The government could kill the market stone dead and vastly reduce the rate of take up, but it prefers locking junkies up in prison for thieving and then getting sued for making the poor dears miserable.
The usual argument, which is the same one used when we only had 60 junkies, is that they will sell there free heroin on!. Obviously not something that happens now!
If we gave the lying thieving junkies heroin for free the crime rate would drop, the prison population reduce, and the police could concentrate on cocaine.
Perhaps this is the problem, all those media people, chattering classes and the upper middle classes would not welcome this attention. Another reason is that its more an underclass and working class problem.
If I have to pay for my coke I don't see why some low life should get his junk for free. Quite so come to think of it. Now a little snort and the sun shines out of my media ass.

*Squeaky Wheel. Advice to persons thinking of emigrating to Britain - Part 3
SO, once you've got here and decided on the locality where you intend to live, you will need money and a place to live. How do you I get this? you ask. Well all you need to know is 'Squeaky Wheel' i.e its the squeaky wheel that gets oiled. You will need to approach the council, social security and also obtain details of grants available (remember the U.K. and EU offer grants).
If you have any problem getting a flat/house or money then make a big fuss. Make your fuss loudly and hysterically in your native tongue. Ensure this is interspersed with the following English words; 'racism', 'religious oppression' and occasionally 'imperialism' (to remind the English of the mess they've made of the third world and arouse feelings of guilt).
If they are co-operative then you should become calm. If you are not offered what you want then its 'squeaky wheel time' e.g. you are not given a 5 bedroom house. Remember you can make good money renting rooms to other immigrants frightened of being found.
In order to get a grant you will need to form a group either religious or racial and squeak away. You should demand your own parliament, education and training grants, language courses, it's best to do a bit of research before you go for the big one. Remember no one will have the nerve to check what you are doing with the money. A few posters and leaflets in your native tongue should suffice.

* Parental Controls and the Internet.
Research has been carried out into the effectiveness of parental controls that can be set up by worried parents to prevent their offspring from accessing Internet Porn.
This obviously is directed at search engines. It is almost impossible to enter a search word or phrase with search filters off and not receive pornsites in the list of hits. These enterprising pornographers seem to have the whole of the Oxford dictionary linked to their sites.
The researchers came to the conclusion that, if the filters were on, they were surprisingly effective at filtering out the majority of the content on the Internet.
This is excellent news. Allowing young boys and young adolescents males access to porn sites will only provide a completely misleading idea about the human female. (I should point out that the following information has been provided by a friend of a friend. I obviously have no familiarity with this type of site).
I am informed that:
a) They will have the mistaken belief that women do not have pubic hair.
b) They will come to the conclusion that the purpose of female clothing is to prevent a women's legs springing apart.
c) Nudity in females causes involuntary lascivious grinning.
This sort of misinformation can only result in shocked disappointment when they become 'sexually active'. (The friend of a friend didn't have much information about hardcore porn sites. His explanation being that the last thing you want to see is some middle aged guys hairy *rse rearing up on your monitor.) I take the point.
This would not upset the current Prime Minister and members of his cabinet who are all too familiar with this view as they pucker up. Albeit their familiarity is restricted to the varities of American *rse.

Although I cannot condone this disporting of naked womanhood, one has to say it is jolly good of them to show us their genitals particularly as we have never been formally introduced.

* Romania Reacts.
The Romanians, a bit peeved at all the bad publicity they've been getting in Britain, have reacted by describing Britain (my paraphrase) as an immoral cess pit no one in their right mind would want to go to. They then described us as 'perfideous Albion'. This was a bit of a surprise and a blast from the past. I was under the impression that the Romanians were a nation of gypsies everyone of which was currently in a massive wagon train on their way here. Their arrival to coincide with the date of their entry into the EU. The image I had in my head of gold-toothed gypsies grinning as they held knives to the throats of virginal English womanhood instantly changed. 'Perfideous Albion!?'. I now saw Romanians sat in their drinking establishments singing IRA songs, such as 'the foggy dew' with gusto,
of course, this description of Britain no longer applies. This was a common Irish description of England in the days when as a matter of policy, we would establish diplomatic approaches to some country and then suddenly accuse them of acting against British interests (such as supplying succour and weapons to our enemies) under this pretext we would invade, massacre a specific section of the population to cause bad feeling between two sections of the country (divide and rule policy) and then rob them blind. I can think of no event since WWII that resembles this type of action.
It is often quoted that during WWII the American Churchill offered the Irish Northern Ireland back if they would abandon their neutral position and join in on the English side. This is often portrayed as a lost opportunity by the Irish.
In all probability
A) The Irish didn't believe a word.
B) Asked the English if the Northern Irish Protestants had been told.
C) Foresaw the scenario intended by the Yankee Churchill that :
. The Irish army moves into NI.
. Riots, burnings, killings breakout.
. English soldiers arrive to restore order.
. Irish soldiers depart.
. NI back in the UK again.
As all right thinking men can see 'perfideous Albion' no longer applies and the Romanians should apologise for the use of this term.

* Nihilist Lakeland Poets.
It has become apparent that the world is filling up with nihilistic lakeland poets or Wordsworth Nothing for short. I'm told there was a time when such phrases as 'my word is my bond', etc, were used and meant. This has been replaced by a new phrase 'that was then.'. This is usually said with a sad weary shake of the head to indicate how experience has made the speaker a wiser man. Today peoples commitment has a short timescale. This has gone hand in hand with the 'someones fault but not mine' culture where we no longer have to suffer the results of our decisions. For example I saw a credit card holder who had spent way beyond his means on his credit cards blaming the credit card company, they lent him the money so he automatically assumed he could afford it.
This 'that was then' culture has spread everywhere. I guess that writes-off French Existentialism as a philosophy for today. The idea of making a free commiment in order to live an authentic life is well, f**ked. Lucky if you can get a commitment to meet at an agreed destination.
It seems obvious to me we need people to wear badges showing there 'That was then' limit, e.g. 2yrs 11 months. Then we can all get a handle on how nihilistic our poets are. The days when a bankrupt worked to pay off his debt as a matter of honour are well gone. Now going bankrupt is a life choice (whatever that means).
Still its good to know whose going to let you down its everybody, that simplifies things a bit. It reminds me of a rock song my uncle was fond of by Thin Lizzy called 'Don't believe a word'. Read the lyrics is that prophecy or what?

* Drug Rape. The police have been investigating drug rapes reported to them to determine the extent of rho-hypnol related assaults. They have not been able to detect any usage of this drug. The main drug involved was alcohol or cannabis or cocaine mixed with alcohol. The majority of women reporting suspected drug rapes had drunk at least the equivalent of one litre of wine.
They obviously wake in the morning can't remember getting home, find their thongs round their ankles and assume they've been drugged.
The blame for this obviously lies with their baby-boomer parents a useless and worthless generation now running the country.
According to my aunt, young baby-boomer women received advice from their parents on drinking with men. This was basically, only have one drink, don't refuse to have a drink you'll never get another date. The more drink you have the harder it is to keep your knees together. Avoid spirits, cyder and barley-wine.
This advice was completely ignored of course but has not been passed on to the current generation.

* I feel it my duty to provide this advice in an upto date format.
1. Drinking a litre of wine particularly red wine will get most females (and males) rat-*rsed.
2. When rat-*rsed judgement is impaired.
3. If you invite a man who is also rat-*rsed home with you that's probably two people who have no clear recollection of what happened towards the end of the night.
4. Alcohol reduces most things to the lowest common denominator. In men this usually amounts to sex.
The message is plain then don't mix drunk men and women. If you must get rat-*rsed stay at home with a four pack of special brews and don't allow the boys in.

* In a related matter I have heard a number of discussions about the correct etiquette for men when waking up next day after taking a woman home when completely p*ssed.
The correct form is as follows:
On finding a women in ones bed the first observation is that the woman who looked exactly like the dark haired one from 'Girls Aloud' has slipped out during the night and her ugly friend with a hideous spot on the side of her nose has climbed in.
As you have no idea of her name you should refer to her as 'sleepy head'. This implies she should have got up hours ago.
If this hint does not work make a point of listening to the traffic noise and say 'The buses are running then'. If there is still no response say 'Shall I order you a taxi home?. Under no circumstances offer her a lift home. If this has no response say, 'God! I'd forgotten my ex-wife and her mother are coming round to discuss access to my son/daughter. I'm sunk if they find you here.
This is adequate and failing a response you are entitled to throw her and her clothes out of the house/flat.
If she leaves of her own accord it is good form to right down her phone number when offered before throwing it in the bin. If she asks for your name 'Mike Smith' is traditional. If she claims that was not what you told her last night then laugh and say, 'I'm such a liar when I'm drunk.'
It is not necessary to wave from the door before returning to bed to sleep off your hangover.

* New generation. I was flipping freeview channels and stumbled on Jeremy Kyle and Trisha. Usually a source of great amusement and excellent advert for the unplanned life.
What struck me was that there is generation of males who are babysitting leeches. It became obvious (and I rush to say it is a perfectly valid life style) that the women in the relationships were the stronger partner and the males were snivelling leeches.
For example all the young guys had attached themselves to a flat/house renting female with child had moved in and spent their days doing f*ck all except babysitting the child. They protested their devotion to the child, etc, etc.
The plain fact in all cases they were scared they would be kicked out and leeched on best they could. Once a leech has found a nice regular blood supply its not keen on detaching and floating around until another host comes along. Can't says I blame 'em. These guys when challenged snivelled and wined to a man.
The fact that the women held them in contempt was perfectly plain. Of course we have to remember these people are on TV, still.
I was wondering if all these males had been brought up (a perfectly valid lifestyle)
without any male role model? Either that or they're male role models were well in touch with their feminine side.
Help where doomed!

* I haven't commented on the news as it is so surreal already it doesn't need comment. I must admit I was rather proud that English teenagers are the worst (or best depending on your point of view) in Europe. Lets face it nobody gives a F*** about Europe are we worst than American and Australian teenagers. That's what we want to know. Write to the BBC explaining that their comparison criteria are useless.

* Joke : I laughed though no doubt you've heard it before.
A lecturer is explaining to a class that two negatives can make a positive, but two positives cannot make a negative. To say for instance 'not never' means yo will. Whereas two positives can't make a negative. He illustrates his argument with a few more examples -2 times -3 makes 6 not -6 but two positive numbers cannot make a negative number.
He concludes "so you see two positives cannot make a negative". Just then a cynical voice from the back says "yeah, yeah." Not sure that works in print. Try reading it aloud to a friend with a sense of humour.


* I received an email from Nick actually it was for the attention of my partner Gwen, in reference to her reply to the question 'Why are Englishmen such a f**king waste of time?
Nick writes
"... I feel you are confusing the bonding of young male adolescents 12, 13, 14yrs with the bonding of young male adults. Loudest and longest hardly counts it's the ability to belch or fart a recognisable tune that scores most points." Thanks for that pointer Nick I'll be sure to pass it on.

 * What a week to have no computer! More amusement in one week than we've had for a long time. Still its old news now and I guess I'm just going to have moan on about the BNP leader not getting convicted.
What was the governments response, We'll have to review the Racial and Religious bigotry laws. How many times are they going to review those, its getting to be an annual event.
The good old BBC on the news for morons made a point of announcing it was an all white jury. We should have the racial mix of all juries announced by the beeb.
The fact is that no matter what law they pass the most admirable British jury system is there to prevent governments obtaining convictions by continually tweaking the law. The jury heard what he said and not being overly familiar with the Islamic religion probably agreed with him. i.e. A reasonable point of view after the exploding Muslims in london and the many Fatwas and calls for death to all who oppose Islam.
Lets face it we're used to the Church of England its hard to imagine the Vicar with a cup of tea in one hand and scone in the other demanding that every church goer rise up and eliminate the infidel. Lets face it its just not British.
This governments bizarre antics to bolster the Thought Police is beyond comprehension.

*Don't forget though the Thought Police are listening to you.

* Look forward to more calls to get rid of jury trials. Its the one of the few rights you have DON'T LET IT GO.

* Amazing Magazine. I dropped into the newsagent to pick up a magazine or two and bought a copy of New Scientist. If you think that sounds dull get the 28th of October edition no 2575. Read Black hole paradox, The elephant and the event horizon.
My first thought was Oh no, the boys at UCLA have been painting white lines on the great reflective road surface. I won't even attempt to precis the article. How many times have you heard some pop culture jerk talk about stretching the envelope, crossing the line and other meaningless drivel, well these science boys really do some mind warping, mistreatment to the envelope.

* Mental health test. The other reason I wanted a magazine was to do my quarterly mental health test. This test is just as accurate as filling in a 20 page questionnaire and is a lot quicker. First buy a copy of 'Heat' magazine. Then draw two columns one headed YES and one headed NO.
Open the magazine and ignoring the adverts look at each of the 'celebrity' photos in turn, do not read the blurb.
If you recognise the celebrity (even if you don't remember their name) enter a tick in the YES column. Be careful as celebs' are often hard to tell apart. Also some such as 'Posh', England's answer to 'trailer trash', may appear more than once. Don't include duplicates if you are aware of them as such.
If you don't recognise them put a tick in the NO column.
When you have scanned the complete magazine add up each column of ticks.
If you are female divide the YES column total by 2.
If the YES total is greater than or equal to the no column then :
1. You are in trouble.
2. Your grip on reality is going or has gone.
3. Your judgement on all matters is worth sh*t.
What can I do?
Unfortunately people like yourself do not realise how ill they are. They, for example, genuinely believe they are regularly abducted by aliens. Don't despair, if you asked the question 'What can I do? rather than congratulating yourself on how high your YES score was, there's hope. Of course it will cost money, email me for the address to send £40.00 for your copy of :
'7 Steps to Really Knowing the Real Me' by John Saxby, as a special offer, female persons will receive a copy of '5 Steps to Keeping a Man' by John Saxby, absolutely free. Male persons will receive a copy of '6 Steps to Getting Laid Twice a Day that Really Work' by John Saxby absolutely free.
Don't miss out on this not to be repeated offer.

* This blog will not be updated after today for about a week as my PC will be out of action getting an upgrade.