* New Year.
I have been invited to a extended new year blow out and therefore this blog won't get updated until I recover, usually takes about a week. Until then lets hope 2007 will be better than 2006. Don't hold your breath.
John Saxby.

* Home alone.
Still no word from my partner as to when her tribal summons will expire. I watch a DVD with a great deal of gratuitous violence in its content. I muse that few would condemn my viewing the many unfortunate ends met by the characters in this film. Yet nobody ever calls and says, "quick someone has died in an accident come and see". Even though everyone rubber necks at accidents.
My reverie is broken by a friend calling. I assumed he was calling to exchange seasonal pleasantries, but no.
He was travelling by train to London when it occurred to him that he hadn't noticed any 'gingers' (people with naturally red hair) of late. He decided to walk the full length of the train as part of his research and could not find one, only people with dyed red which don't count.
Walking the streets of London town he noted not a one. His conclusion was not that the gene for ginger hair was permanently recessive but that "Gingers are dyeing their hair!". It occurred to him that you could be chatting away to someone totally unaware that they were a 'ginger'!. He seemed dissappointed at my muted response. He then mentioned that he knew my partner had a visiting hair stylist and would I ring her stylist and ask if she was dyeing any ginger hair brown or blonde.
I protested that no way was I doing any such thing. I suggested that he find a Ladies hairdressers that was doing little business and enquire himself. This thought had occured to him but he concluded it was easy for me to do it. Failing to convince me he finally left muttering to himself.
I was left contemplating the demise of the red end of the spectrum as a hair colour.

* Fading celebration.
The muppets over the road's party is still going on, about a week now. Its down to the hardened few that's five male persons and a female person! still drinking plus two women wandering about in dressing gowns vainly trying to clear up. They have the curtains open all the time as p*ssheads usually do by this time on a binge. Three guys shuffled down the road at 10.30 a.m. and returned with more sprightly step with supermarket bags obviously full of cans.
About 2.00 p.m. the dedicated muppets are following each other round the front garden spraying each other with froth. One of the muppets knocks the wheelie bin on its side and bottles and cans come spilling out. Much altercation the only result of which is the wheelie bin gets stood up and the cans and bottles are kicked in a group around the bin.
About 6.00 p.m. really loud music is filling the streets from the muppets house. A short while later a neighbour requests they play the music at a more acceptable volume. He gets short shift from the muppets who should really have a lie down.
Half an hour later the police arrive and tell the muppets to switch it off, one of the dressing gown women unplugs the unit and blessed peace descends. The police stress how annoyed they'll be if they have to come back. The muppets go back in the front room. It takes them quite a while to work out that the music system has been unplugged. Great row breaks out by the look of it.
9.00 p.m. all the muppets are passed out and the dressing gown women are rushing round tidying up the mess. Its hard to tell but it looks like abject despair is written on their faces. I take pity on them and nip across and tell them to pour strong lager and water on the crotches of all the passed out drunks to make it look like they've wet themselves. I explain to have full effect they must berate them continuously on waking them up. I retire to watch the outcome. The girls finally rouse them and if they're following my instructions are complaining loudly about the disgust, smell, urine soaked furniture and anything else that comes to mind, exit three muppets with wet crotches and a flea in the ear. The passed out woman won't wake up. The two resident male muppets stare around uncomprehendingly.
Ah Christmas.

* Pork pie hat.
The bbc announced that while pork pie eating had once been a male preserve that now more and more female persons are eating pork pies. In addition they decided it was becoming a national obsession. This is a new one on me having seen no sign of conspicuous pork pie consumption. I wonder if they actually mean the north of England where the extraordinary size of the northern female person may well be attributable to large pie dinners. It also makes me wonder if the bbc lives in the same country as I do, such are the extraordinary claims made by this organisation. This sounds more like some deputy editors desperate attempt to snort up a subject for the program, that can't be bbc grade cocaine. Maybe when women go on a girls only night its not male strippers and booze but a pork pie fest' lots of fingers down throats Princess Diane style in order to bolt down more crust, fat, gristle and alchopops. I shall be investigating and reporting back on this one.

* Christmas quiz.
Forgot all about it but the correct answers were (a), (b), (b) for the three questions.

* Father Christmas good or bad.#
Germaine Greer a professional opinionated baby-boomer was complaining that it is a terrible thing to lie to children and telling them that Santa exists is a heinous crime. This all too predictable attitude ignores the many benefits this 'rite of passage' confers at the momment the truth is revealed i.e. there is no santa.
This teaches the child many valuable lessons to wit:
1) Never take what your parents tell you at face value, always keep your eyes and ears open in order to know what really goes on, review everything they told you for possible flaws.
2) Santa brought poor kids cheaper and fewer toys than the middle income kids and the richest kids got the most expensive and best toys from santa. This teaches kids that the more money you've got, the more you get.
3) It becomes obvious that mum and dad bought the presents not old santa and therefore there is no reason why toy buying activities should be restricted to Christmas day as mum, or mum and dad, or dad or mum and partner or dad and partner (partner being of either sex and all valid lifestyles) are often about.
4) Children realise it wasn't santa who choose the crabby scooter you got when your brother got a racing bike and now you know who the real competition is you can start plans to undermine them.
This is all fitting stuff for todays England.

* Dancing to the music.
The BBC had a program, behind the scenes at the Royal Ballet Company followed by Giselle in full. It became obvious that ballet is really a religious order of the old kind. The postulants are recruited at an extremely early age, under go many extreme disciplines and the goal is a sublime transcendental experience that few can know or understand. In addition it is forged through fire. Forget your dan brown Opus Dei in the Da Vinci Code they're amateurs, these people know pain. Darcy Bussell is also a stunner apart from being a most talented dancer. Far from the image of fit people that dance they appear to be fit people in pain who dance and are covered in local anaesthetics when they perform. This is the closest art gets to religion.
Watching the sublime beauty of the Ballet Giselle we are aware that it emerges from a world of pain for which the majority get paid very little and is only bearable through intense devotion. Excellent people all, but they can be a trifle bitchy.

* Boxing Day
Today is boxing day. Nobody knows what boxing day is except you get a day off for it. Its usually the first morning when the delayed hangover kicks in. This Christmas I had to accompany my partner on her visit to her relatives. She comes from one of those families that has an unwritten, irrevocable covenant that demands all relatives must visit each other at Christmas. I had been warned in advance that I was required to accompany her. One set of grandparents had heard all the criticism about me and hadn't been able to join in so I was bidden to appear before them and for some unknown reason, an uncle had enough clout to summon me as well. They all visit at the same time so running into all the other relatives is pretty much guaranteed.

Off we went to see Grandad and Grandma from the down market side of the family. Gwen (my partner) handed over her two presents (Gandad & Grandma don't do joint presents apparently).
I was introduced but received no acknowledgement. Grandma And Grandad were too busy ripping off the wrapping.
Grandad produced a small penknife and extracted the contents from his box and commenced to scrutinise his gift. Then Grandma handed over her box which Grandad expertly opened while she scrutinised his present. Grandad examined her present with the look of a pawnbroker whose just identified your Rolex as a fake. They then swap presents again and continue to examine them minutely.
Grandad finally raises his head and says, " They're very nice dear, we won't be wanting the receipts for these." (The old b*****d) Big sigh of relief. The room has other trapped relatives sat with cups of tea and slices of Christmas cake. After an interminable period of time we are allowed to leave.
We then have to endure four hours of excrutiating tedium with her Uncle. After that I hasten back home while she has obligatory sleep overs at various relatives houses until Thursday.

* Offensive to Gays.
On the news it was revealed that a couple of God-botherers from Fleetwood, complained about taxpayers' money being used for leaflets about gay rights and called homosexuality immoral!!!. The end result was that the police came round to explain to them that Gay persons would be upset and attempted to re-educate them. This is excellent news re-education is a popular course in the UK, recently some firemen who objected to gay males dressed as nuns were also sent for re-education. This sort of activity has long been a bastion of democracy. Other countries known to have had this practice are communist China, the now defunct Soviet Union and North Korea. In addition to being severely told off the couple were given £10,000 in order to re-inforce the message. This is good pavlovian practice, aversion therapy then re-inforcement by reward. It is high time the thought police were strengthened and all wrong thinking people were flushed out of their front rooms and re-educated to the correct way of thinking. I shudder to think of the pain Stephen Fry must have suffered on hearing that people like this still exist amongst the English.

* QI
BBC2 program QI was broadcast last night, as I was bored I decided to give it a go. This program is a quiz program hosted by the famous statue kisser, product promoter and scourge of religion Stephen Fry. This man has an IQ in six figures and an excess of intelligence that he uses to earn his living as an amusing personality. I must admit he makes me laugh. This program as well as being amusing is also very informative exposing many misconceptions. Tonight I was astonished to learn that Jesus was really called Mithras and lived in Rome not northern Israel. There's something that Dan Brown missed. "Mithras and Mary were lovers, lordy how they did love, swore to be true to each other, true as the stars above, he was her man and they founded a dynasty of kings" (must work on that last rhyme).
Then we had a good laugh at the Irish, instead of learning to read and write at school they learn such unlikely things as : There was a woman in Ireland called Bridget that had a cloak made out of an acre of cloth! Yeah, try dragging that around. Mr Fry was astonished that anyone could have such a bizarre education.
Talking of aliases we learnt that a man called Bartholomew was shot with arrows but his real name was Sebastian.
There was an American comedian on the show whose expression was that of a man who wished he hadn't dropped that tab of acid before he went on the show. Still one can only applaud Mr Fry's attacks on God-botherers who cause untold suffering to millions. He ploughed into Christians with blows left and right, pinching Christmas off log worshippers, lying about Jesus's real name, pinching Father Christmas off the Turks, no doubt he is saving his attacks on Islam for the new year.

* Big mess.
Tony Baloney Blair et al. have admitted that Iraq is a mess. I watched Channel 4 news at 7.00 p.m. (I hate to admit it but the best news program on terrestial) they showed a report from Iraq which was so appalling that Ms Rice's later comment that 'the investment in US lives and dollars will be "worth it"' seems macabre. The situation in Iraq is not a 'Mess' its a horror story, a snuff movie, I had to look away from the unutterable misery.
Some people have suggested that Tony Blair (mentor thatcher) saw the invasion of Iraq as an opportunity for a bit of 'falklands war' kudos, Saddam out, dancing in the streets, strutting about being congratulated. One of the desired end results being a good 10 more years as leader of new labour and thumbed nose, 'no chance', when Mr Brown asked for his turn as leader. Well, well, well, instead of being the darling of the nation he's staggering in the sh*t, the best laid pats of cows and men. If we had any conscience we would be in the streets intent on throwing the b*st*rd out of number 10.

* Working Class Hero
I learnt that some guy in the US of A has finally got his hands on John Lennon's FBI surveillance records. What does this reveal? That dangerous old John once got asked by two Liberal voters to invest in a bookshop.
After my amusement had subsided, I decided to give Uncle Dave a ring. John Lennon was one of this ageing baby-boomer's heroes. Uncle Dave hadn't heard the news. My call was greeted by a bit of muttering, whereupon, I commenced to sing down the phone 'You say you want a safe investment, well you know, my broker's on his way' to the tune of Mr Lennons song Revolution.
'Admittedly' (Uncle Dave said)'it shouldn't come as a great surprise, he' (the coolest Beatle) 'always said he voted tory, was only a pop star and the yanks did allow him to reside in the states. I guess you shouldn't look for philosophers amongst pop-singers as they're not renowned for their intellectual penetration.'
'Bob Dylan' (another of Uncle Daves heroes), he went on, 'never claimed to be anything more than an song-writer and entertainer'.
'The thing about Dylan, apart from having more bollocks written about him while still alive than any other human being, is he knows the extent of his craft. If you look at his output you can see he's a weaver by trade', said Uncle Dave enigmatically.
I pushed him a bit more but he got in a huff and rang-off. I must send him a condolences on the end of a dream card.

* Campervan and sex worker
I couldn't resist this one.
A male trainspotter (are there any female trainspotters?) in a campervan was stopped and picked up by the police after they saw a woman enter his campervan in the redlight district of Wolverhampton. His explanation was that he had travelled to the area to see a locomotive, having got lost, he stopped to make himself a cup of tea, whereupon a sex worker jumped into his campervan and shouted "drive, drive". Thinking she was in danger, he started up the campervan and gallantly drove away from the danger he believed was following her.

* Sex worker.
Since the recent events in Ipswich, a debate has arisen as to whether the term prostitute should be used as it is demeaning to prostitutes. The alternative 'sex worker' is being proposed by the pc community. This seems to me to be a very vague term covering too large a variety of participants. I have come up with an alternative that seems to cover this deficiency. I have taken my lead from the UFO community which have four terms to cover contact with aliens these are:
.Close encounters of the first kind - Seeing a UFO.
.Close encounters of the second kind - Seeing an alien.
.Close encounters of the third kind - Meeting an alien
.Close encounters of the fourth kind - Sex with an alien.
I therefore propose the following categories of sex worker.
. Sex worker of the first kind : Page three models, glamour models, Readers wives, etc.
. Sex worker of the second kind : Strippers, lap dancers, pole dancers, etc.
. Sex worker of the third kind : Masseurs, manual relief, touch me strippers, etc
. Sex worker of the fourth kind : Prostitutes, f*ck and sell to the press merchants, etc

Therefore the lady with the trainspotter would be a sex worker of the fourth kind.
There you go problem solved.

* WinterBozzeTime Quiz.
In the grand tradition of the English Press I will be filling up space with a pointless boozetime quiz. Each day, if I can be bothered, I will ask a number of quiz questions
in the new Year, provided I remember, I will print the correct answers.

Question 1.
What is the similarity between the American Series 'Friends' (being endlessly recycled on Channel 4) and the Australian Series 'Neighbours'?
Is It?
a) They are an accurate portrayal of life in their respective countries?
b) They provide much helpful analysis of common problems in life?
c) The characters in the two series treat other peoples homes exactly the same way as lying, thieving junkies do?

Question 2.
When the English say England is like America
Is It Because?
a) When people living in the UK are interviewed about UK issues on radio and television 50% of the time they have American accents.
b) When the English wear T shirts in public, they are declaring the own inalienable right to bear arms as the Americans.
c) We have a thriving wholesale and retail recreational and Lifestyle drugs business as do the Americans.

Question 3.
When the Northern Irish, Scots and Welsh say the English are a bunch of *rseholes
Is It Because?
a) The histories of their respective countries shows it plainly to be the case.
b) They have only ever met people from the north of England.
c) When the English open their mouths all you get is a load of sh*t.

* More New Labour thinking from Tony 'Baloney' Blair.
Mr Blair was interviewed over the inability of the UK to influence American thinking (as detailed in a Chatham House report) and, therefore, whats the point of the special relationship? Essentially the yanks get in a huddle, have a good laugh and all yell "pardon, didn't catch that.", also, on outings for the yanks benefit we have to pay our own expenses or as in WW II had to pay interest on a loan to buy yank tanks and boats, the most expensive tanks ever purchased, as arranged by a yank Mr W Churchill( See War Debt about to be paid off after 70 odd years). Anyway I digress.
After the 'Who knows what tomorrow may bring' thinking on nuclear weapons we now have new penetrating analysis of the special relationship from the man with a taste for american arse. This is the 'Biggest boy in the school yard' policy.
If everybody in the school yard ignores what you say because your a small spotty swot you can beef up your standing by toadying round the school bully. In return for a lot of humiliation next time your in the school yard and say 'let me play footer' the other boys instead of saying 'P*ss off Blair you t*sser', they think twice and say 'I'm sorry but we've got eleven on both teams already'.
In regard to membership of the European Union as well as advancing American policy on Europe you get listened to. This is the Tony Baloney New Labour 'Get invited to the party' policy.
This policy says if you offer to chip in large amounts of dosh to pay for the pop and sweets the other boys will let you come to the midnight feast in the house clubroom. Previously we couldn't get in the house clubroom because we were fagging for the school bully then the schoolbully thought he'd like to know what goes on but as he was in a different house he couldn't barge his way in. The solution make the fag pay all his pocket money to the cost of any parties. The house members after much tee heeing let the English in and had fun making them obey the club rules that everyone else ignored.
Its important for us to fag for the yanks and amuse the Europeans because otherwise Tony couldn't stutter and boost his enormous ego on the world stage.

* Channel 4 program on Toulouse-Lautrec.
Channel 4 widely advertised its program about Toulouse-Lautrec. Comments such as the Rubens of his day, etc, aroused my interest so I tuned in last Saturday. So what did we learn about his artistic output and development, well f*ck all actually. He did some horses, he did some posters. As it was a documentary choosen by the gerbil lovers and cokehead impersonators at channel 4, the program was more concerned with the naughty goings-on of Toulouse-Lautrec himself. What did we learn?
His father was mad as a hatter, his mother doted on him, he was inbred, he knew a man who painted horses, he studied in Paris in sex crazy Montmartre, he had a large penis, he hung out with prostitutes, he got pissed alot with his mates, he had a number of models/prostitutes which he painted/copulated-with alot, he went to the circus, he went to the fair, he went to the moulin rouge, he lived in a brothel, he became a hopeless alcoholic, he died young.
This documentary was presented by a great lunk with a dead rat on his head. It was hard to determine whether the documentary was about Toulouse-Lautrec or 'what the great lunk did on his Paris holidays'. The documentary featured him to such an extent that one part showed him seeing how quickly he could walk past all the locations associated with Toulouse-Lautrec's life in Paris. He told us that Toulouse-Lautrec's posters became so popular that people took them from the walls. The great lunk then showed us how this might have looked by taking a poster off a wall.
We also learnt how polite frenchmen can be when being asked dumb questions by a great lunk.
At the end of the documentary we learnt that T-L had a sh*t on a french beach. To prove his point he showed us a photograph, 'T-L with cr*p deposited on beach', then a photograph, 'T-L pulling up his pants on beach'. The great lunk thought this a grand gesture. He didn't ask the obvious question, 'what the f*ck did the photographer think he was doing photographing a man with tertiary siphilis having a sh*t on a beach?'
The great lunk visited T-L's grave in a convent graveyard. The great lunk thought the nuns buried with him would be outraged, if they weren't all dead. This shows that the great lunk knows f*ck all about nuns and f*ck all about Catholocism.
He then threw his hat on T-L's grave and wandered off.
Culture channel 4 style.

* Complaint about my warnings concerning Mrs Thatchers grave.

I received an email with the following complaint :
.... infantile and distateful blog. I have done a straw poll and contrary to your assertion that many people will be fouling Mrs Thatcher's grave after her death, I can find not one person in Kensington that admits to any such intention.
From: Mr A Beeston.
- Also I received the following on the same subject :
... can only condemn such actions, however, it would be the only occasion on which the much vaunted 'trickle down' phenomenon is shown to be correct.
From: Mr T Sullivan
- And,
.... won't be joining in myself as I was rather young at the time, but my Dad thinks its a great idea and if he can get enough of the other ex-miners interested will be organising a coach.
From: Mr S Williams.
I was young too Steve but I've never forgotten her exit from number 10 and how it cheered up my Uncle Dave.
- Nothing to do with Mrs Thatcher but I also received :
.... you may think baby-boomers are useless, but I'm the one with a house worth £900,000 which is nearly paid off. The current generation is the one in harness to debt and paying £125,000 for a cupboard laughingly described as a starter flat.
You might not be so screwed if you could organise yourselves but you confound received wisdom, the only thing you could organise is a booze-up in a brewery, tosssers.
From: A Baby-boomer (who wittily headed his email 'Whose laughing now!, the useless, worthless t**t.)

* A growing trend is being pioneered by the BBC in weather persons.
First we had boring old guys telling us about the weather who looked dead serious and pointed vaguely at a map of Britain. Then we had eye-candy female weather persons waving vaguely at a map of Britain. Then we had a new map of Britain, the dimensions of which were not geographic but by regional importance, until some northeners finally noticed (I was astounded they knew where they were on the map) and complained. Now the BBC is extending its range of camp male weather persons. Some of the idiotic, useless baby-boomers down the winebar all yell in falsetto 'Shut that door' at the end of the weather, for reasons lost on me. I have reported these people to the police on more than one occasion but needless to say no action has, as yet, been taken. Perhaps the weather could be handed over to the producer of 'Little Britain' for a complete makeover.

* Richard Dawkins starts a new offensive.
The eminent paperback writer Richard Dawkins was on a discussion program on ITV at the weekend. This was in pursuit of his aim (and all right thinking people) to get rid of God-botherers from the gene pool. In the discussion he admirably expounded the extension of his thinking into the area of German Coming Of Age Theology. During his profound demolition of cherry picking he stated that 'believing in God is the same as believing in fairies'. This was a general analogy as obviously (except in England) fairies and God refer to dissimilar imaginary entities.
It follows that believing in fairies is the same as believing in God. We must now extend the categories of people to be prevented from breeding (compulsory nuts off/tubes tied) to include those who claim any familiarity with the 'little people'. Obviously it is not just a belief in fairies but leprechauns, elves, goblins, imps, brownies, pixies, etc. Enter in your note books the names and addresses of these people as well as God-botherers. They too are responsible for all the ills of the human race.
A friend points out that when you go to deprived areas of the world e.g. Africa, what type of person do you find working out there to better the lives of the poor? Not God-botherers, sat safe at home, but pioneering Athiests!

* New Mel.
Mr Ian Duncan-Smith (Dunkers, to his friends) was on the TV being interviewed by someone or other and stopped me in my tracks with a Mad Mel. He admitted, on prompting, to being an ardent thatcherite and then claimed that : 'concern for the underclass and social-inclusion'(whatever that is) had always been a major plank of thatcherism!!!
This apparently based on some off-hand comment by thatcher that they ought to do something about the underclass though they never did. Letting this buffoon loose might just remind those who can remember the glory days why they voted the slimy b*stards out.

* Richard Dawkins.
I received an email in about the entries in my blog about Prof Dawk'.
The email said :
.... about the puerile and irrelevant attacks on the eminent scientist Richard Dawkins. It is totally incorrect to say that his friends call him Dick, it is well known that professor Dawkins does not have any close aquaintances that would qualify in such a category. In respect of his brilliant book about the belief in God, if there was such a being they would undoubtedly have made their existence known to Professor Dawkins. Yours sincerely ****** ******** ******* (Oxon. educated and proud of it).

* Holocaust and Iran.
The Iranians as everybody knows have been hosting a conference on whether 'the holocaust' occurred. The Iranian President seems to believe that the holocaust is used to justify the state of Israel. Whether the holocaust occurred or not has no bearing on the right of the state of Israel to exist.
The facts of the matter are that it does and has very powerful allies.
The argument as to whether it should exist where it does is a different matter. Those of a cynical point of view might misguidedly think that after WWII the west decided that resettling the survivors of the holocaust on land that didn't belong to them and didn't inconvenience them was an opportunity not to be missed. The accusation that many people are suffering for a problem not of their making but a problem that rightly belongs to Europe can't be said to lack any weight.
It seems odd that the West decided that reparation to the Jewish peoples should be provided by the Palestinians.
Those counties responsible for the Jewish plight either by eager participation, ommission or refusing sanctuary might have been expected to bear the burden of reparation. The Germans, French, English, Italians, Dutch, Austrians, etc, etc. These states might have carved out a bit of their own territory with guarantees supplied by the Americans to provide a permanent home for the Jewish people.I mean how many Middle-Eastern guards were there at the death camps?

* The BBC announced John Major would be talking about Iraq.
Who! then I remembered it was the curry f*cker himself. Instead of telling us what we wanted to know i.e. Was Edwina Curry a screamer, he rambled on about Iraq.
What did he say? It went like this " Merble meep meep, merble meep, squark merble merble meep meep meep!" and so on. Essentially having crawled out from under his cloud of irrelevance where he has been sulking about the fact he isn't even a footnote in history, his gist was : Iraq is a mess, it wouldn't have been if he had been involved. Yeah right. Lets look back, what is noticeable about his time as P.M. err, it was a terrible mess, nobody took any notice of anything he said, all the tory M.P.s were running about behaving like naughty boys and making rude noises behind his back whenever he got up to squeak. Can anybody remember anything he ever said?
Dumb old John won the election he was supposed to loose. Having really screwed everything up the tories traditionally let the Labour party win. Labour then have to clean up the mess, which is always painful, the tories say 'look what they did, wasn't that painful?', then they get voted back in. It must have been looks of horror all round from the grandees when Johnny boy won. Unfortunately the electorate thought they were going to get more presents from the tories and all they had left were the railways, oh dear.
What was Jojo's action plan for Iraq? List all the problems and then make sure they get solved, good one Jojo. So is she a screamer or not?

New labour could get back in everybody's good books by selling off the BBC. It now produces as much garbage as the private broadcasting companies. Its back catalog must be worth something. Bundle that, Bundle the production side. Bundle the technology. Bundle the radio. sack all those arrogant program producers and cokehead impersonators. Just retain BBC news 24 so it can endlessly recycle the same three news items over and over and put the delightful newsreader Stephanie in charge. The tories sold the railways, so new labour should pay them the compliment of selling the BBC just in case the tories get in.

* Mohamed Al Fayed yesterday made a number of statements that qualify as sad mels.
Prince Philip ordered MI6 to murder the saintly Diana mother of princes.
Diana had no family or friends except himself. These being the ones that stopped me.

* Comedy of Errors
Tony Blair, now he's back from riming American arse [desperate for a job so he can still strut and fret his time on the world stage] has decided to launch a few initiatives. This government has reached the point as did thatcher's where it is becoming an almost perfect parody of itself. At least its one thing it can do right. Tony Blair whose ego expands at the speed of sound hasn't realised he has become a comic act and should bow and leave the stage before he falls in the orchestra pit.
Mr Hammond minister for something or other drew the short straw and bravely stood up to announce the changes to the Child Support Agency. What have they come up with after years of failure and massive expenditure? Yes! you guessed they're going to change the name. This is due to the idiotic PC culture where to change something you call it something else e.g. Prostitute is now a Sex Worker. Then to universal derision from the populace of barmy Britain he announced passports would be withdrawn to prevent shirking fathers from going on foreign holidays. I was waiting for frog marching them to the cash point to be mentioned, I guess they're saving that till later. Confiscating driving licenses without going to court was another wheeze. How will that work then ? Expect large numbers of innocent men to loose their passports and driving licenses. They can't get the current system to work what makes them think they can get that together. Then, best laugh of all, they will encourage couples to come to a private agreement together, as the failure of couples to do that very thing was the reason the CSA was originally set up one could do nothing but applaud.
One can do nothing but feel sorry (almost) for Mr Brown inheriting a sinking ship which even the chief rat won't leave (f*ck off Tony). Bremner, Bird and Fortune are going to find it hard to better the new labour pantomime. Still at least mr Brown doesn't have to defend the Iraq policy as soon as mr Bush tells Blair what it is.
The one joy is that Tony Baloney Blairs legacy is going to be so farcical historians won't believe their own researches.

* New Terminology.
After some unusual statements by various people I suggest the introduction of a new term 'A Mel' or in full 'A Mel Gibson'. This term should be used in reference to any statement that stops a person in their tracks because of its bizarre nature. The term 'A Mel' is so called after Mel Gibson's recent comment that the 'Jews are responsible for all wars' (see below).
For example the statement from a friend that they have been abducted by aliens and taken on board a flying saucer would in Europe (but not in America where it is a commonplace) be a 'Mel'.
Recent 'Mels' in the news are :
. Mr Ahmadinejad's (President of Iran) described the Holocaust as a myth used to justify the existence of Israel and oppression of the Palestinians.
. A Mr Willows, a Conservative councillor, allegedly described all homosexuals as paedophiles and was ordered to pay £250 costs .
I have designated three types of mels :
1) a 'Bad Mel' which receives general opprobrium e.g. Mr Ahmadinejad's comment.
2) a 'Mad Mel' which is plainly crazy e.g. The comment of Mr Willows.
3) a 'Sad Mel' which is plainly a delusion e.g. A friend believing they have been kidnapped by aliens.
In addition we can add a monetary value to the 'Mel' e.g. Mr Willows comment which would be a '£250 mad mel'.
Mel Gibson's comment would be a 'bad mad mel'.
Mr Ahmadinejad's comment would be a 'bad sad mel'.
I intend to collect mels and will be highlighting them in this blog.

* Breakdown Britain
Ian Duncan-Smith was all over the news with his report on family relationships or rather lack of, in the UK. He has discovered that in Britain there is an underclass.
Let me look, ah yes, this is the gentleman who was an ardent admirer of Mrs Thatcher. Does he mention that the tories created this class? No he doesn't. Obviously he has forgotten Ebay Britain, everything must go. Looking at recent political history I come across the phrase 'No pain, No gain'. That was pain for the poor and gain for the rich. Why he should produce this report when he knows full well there is no such thing as society I have no idea.
Mr Hammond minister for something or other was asked for a comment on this report, he had the slightly panicky look of a man who has just realised the excrement is just below the ceiling fan. His response was to whinge on about the tories not supporting new labours disastrous record. Never has so much bad legislation and pointless hectoring been produced by one government. Returning to the report and its statistics you could hear the phrase 'beyond the point of no return' echoing over the crumbling cliffs of Dover.

* Pinochet is dead.
The news announced that Mrs Thatcher reportedly said she was 'greatly saddened' by the death of this great General. I have my doubts that she is capable of saying anything, however, everyone is saddened when a murderous, thieving, torturing, democracy destroying, CIA employed, ex-dictator lives into his nineties there seems to be no justice in the world, one can only hope he was plagued with haemorrhoid's for most of his life.

* Trident Warheads and Submarines.
The government i.e Tony "Baloney" Blair and the f*ckwit baby-boomers in the cabinet have come up with a brilliant and convincing argument for building amazingly expensive submarines and having 160 nuclear war-heads (which they assure us we can fire independently with USA permission). The justification for this enormous spend is 'who knows what tomorrow may bring'. How true is that (apart from the astrologer who writes for the Observer Sunday newspaper) nobody does. Thus in one sound bite we understand why we need these weapons, in the future someone somewhere might bomb us and how dumb will we look if we can't blow them to f*ck with the Americans permission. Really dumb thats how.
I have long thought that the private citizens of this great country should not have guns. Now the government has convinced me that I am being very naive. Tomorrow I could be looking out of my flat window only to see a frightening mob armed to the teeth streaming up the drive intent on murder and mayhem. This does not in the light of things seem unlikely.
This weekend I have visited a public house in London and ordered an AK47 and a sawn-off shotgun complete with 200 rounds each. If they get through the door its 'say hello to my little friend Mr Sawn-off'. On the way home I purchased a samuri sword which had (at a price) been honed razor sharp and also a bowie knife (I've always wanted one of those). Next weekend I will be home and prepared for any eventuality. Boy will my neighbours look dumb as they are wrenched kicking and screaming into the street while I mow down the mindless mob from my 2nd-floor flat.
As we are hell bent on being American how about the right to bear arm Mr Blair.

* The aforementioned (is it me or is Jack Straw a complete tw*t, I bet he was one of those kids that everyone used to kick when he was at school) government in response to completely failing to get money out of absentee parents has decided to adopt (yes you guessed it) an American idea of putting the offenders names on the internet. Brilliant! that should get the pennies rolling in. The government spokesman put up to fend off this abject and pathetic failure of the CSA explained the tax people were too busy to provide the information to the CSA (how crap must government computer systems be if some prat has too send it in the internal post, I mean really, give me a break). The useless wretch then went on to explain in a no- nonsense way that not only 'naming and shaming', but other deterrents would be used e.g. curfews!, consficate their passports!, electronic tagging!. Yeah right, enforced by who? They can't enforce ASBOs! This government is a bunch of totally useless no-hopers and everyone is laughing in their collective ugly face, I know I am.

* Dawkins a response.
I received a long email in response to my promotion of atheism as promulgated by Richard Dawkins, Dick to his friends. As the email was very long winded I have had to precis it, as follows :
What is the difference between a Marxist explanation of an historical event; an astrological explanation of the events in a known life e.g. Marylin Monroe; a Darwinian explanation of the evolution of a common organ e.g. the eye?
In the Marxist explanation the explanation fits well to the facts, but has failed in predictive ability for subsequent historical events. In the astrological analysis of Miss Monroe's natal chart the main life events are clearly identified but then fails where predictive analysis is attempted. In the same way Darwinian explanations of the possible evolution of the eye are convincing but in what way do they differ from the previous two examples and how are they predictive?
(F*cked if I know. I must say if you want the best horoscope I can recommend the Observer (Sunday) newspaper horoscope it is the stunningly accurate and published by a paper whose veracity cannot be denied)
Anyway, my correspondent then goes on to provide a long Darwinian description for the evolution of the 'sliced white loaf' which I must admit is extremely amusing starting from the first grasses to final sliced bread loaf.
They then go on to make some very amusing comments about Oxford University science departments. These probably mean alot more to academics than they do to me, but, if their is any truth to them then I'd choose Cambridge or some of the better old redbrick universities (the ones before the outbreak of John Major universities) if you want to do a science degree.
They then describe Doc' Dick Dawk' (in brief) as a fundamentalist Darwinian complete with his own satanic verses these being the amendments in the later versions of the 'Origin of the Species' where Darwin expressed a possibility that there may be other factors at work in the evolutionary process, whispered in his ear by dark forces.
The view is expressed that Doc' Dick' Dawk' has a fairly common male personality type where the possessor cannot tolerate the notion that people do not agree with them and are locked into a cycle of continuous justifications of their views. (Yeah right rings a bell)
I must admit I'm not entirely convinced by the email those God-botherers are out there and I can't believe a scientist has any agenda other that to spread the light of truth in the darkness of ignorance. Good Old Doc' Dick Dawk' I say.

* America and England - The special Relationship.
I have been informed that the special relationship between America and England will be ending shortly when we make the final payment owed to the Yanks for the War Debt. This War Debt was incurred during WW II and now after about 70 years we've paid it off. This was money to pay the Yanks for joining in and saving us from Hitler and for supplying us with ships and tanks. This makes the American ships and tanks the most expensive ships and tanks ever, as President Truman remarked at the time, 'Boy are those Limeys the dumbest guys you've met or what?'. As far as I know the money loaned had to be spent in the USA.
It maybe that the special relationship will be continued, the Americans may want us to pay for being allowed to join in when they invaded Iraq. Who knows what Tony Baloney and the other worthless baby-boomers in the government have agreed.

* Taxes on booze.
The government seems quite happy to raise taxes on flying and petrol but the cost of booze has never been cheaper. The treasury said it was not their responsibility to control British drinking habits. I seem to remember that it was their responsibility to control tobacco smoking habits. Its the old formula, debt and booze keeps the public happy.

* Plutonium 210
The story continues, you couldn't make it up, now we have a death-bed conversion to Islam. Not only that but the way plutonium 210 is turning up it looks like it was being scattered around by the fairies. The Russian refusal to extradite Russians who might be involved in this pantomime to England was given much publicity the fact that the government refuses to extradite Russians to Russia never got a mention.

In the film 'Aliens' Ms Ripley asks the question ' Have IQs dropped since I've been away?'. Looks like the answer in England is yes.


* B B & F - Channel 4.
Somebody reminded me that channel 4 show the excellent 'Bremner, Bird and Fortune' program. OK then one thing right. Brilliant show though.

Channel 4 - More stretched envelope.
The envelope stretching gerbil lovers and cokehead impersonators at Channel four have a new comedy program, much advertised, so against my better judgement I decided to tune in. (Normally if I want to watch sh*t I can catch the BBC news at 6.00 pm.) This appalling piece of dross was enlivened by a man in a karate robe. He opened his robe to reveal himself to be wearing a thong. He then performed what I assumed to be a comic karate demonstration, the humour being the fact his testicles swung free from his thong. The audience seemed to be highly amused by his capers which raises the questions where do they find their audiences? and what on earth does the warm up act do? I suspect the warm up act probably lights his farts to get them ready for the subtleties to come. Where the audience came from is anybody's guess. Let's just hope they were not lured in under false pretenses and were expecting to see a demonstration of projectile vomiting, a popular brit sport these days.
To be fair to channel 4 they do not make these programs they only choose them. They must have a really sh*t budget and an audience that consists of 10 through 12 year old school boys.

I don't know if it is true but I was told that the channel 4 Winter Boozedays message is to be delivered by a tap dancing lesbian muslim woman wearing only a veil. My informant had no knowledge of what the envelope stretching message might be, but we can assume that it will be as riveting as their new comedy program.

*Richard Dawkins - Evolutionary Flaw.
A friend has sent me Prof' Dawk's new book which is a book of German Death of God Theology which proves conclusively that not only is God dead but has always been that way. In addition it shows with unarguable logic that all the ills of the world were and are caused by God-botherers. Mel Gibson was on the right track with his statement that all wars are caused by the Jews but unfortunately Mel (a notorious God-botherer) they're caused by all God-botherers.
In addition Prof' Dawk' has shown there are brains that have evolved that despite having the fact that all religion is cr*p explained to them by Prof Dawk' still persist in believing in God. Although not explicitly spelt out by the Prof' it is obvious that these brains are not conducive to the survival of life on earth and need to be prevented from proliferating. The answer is to prevent persistent God-botherers from breeding. They and their offspring will have to be sterilised.
How do we weed them out? Remember they are lying in their beds at night plotting wars, plotting to murdering their neighbours and the worst crime of all, intent on reducing research grants for university biology departments.
A good start would be to round up all the people who think Dan Brown's DaVinci Code novel is historical truth, these dumb *rses can be eliminated from the breeding population right away. The others will have to be sat infront of a video of Prof' Dawk' spelling their errors out to them. If they do not have a 'St Paul on the road to Damascus' realisation of their idiocy then its nuts off, tied tubes time.
What about agnostics? you cry. A good point, agnostics are either people who are too busy to consider the question 'Is there a God' so haven't read Prof' Dawk's book and drawn the right conclusion or they are closet God-botherers who are too ashamed to admit it in case their friends jeer at them. Persistent agnostics can be treated as God-botherers.
This is good news for the English who have no religious impulse (good brains) and if they claim to believe in God their concept of God is so vague and nebulous that it might as well be the Tooth Fairy they're affirming, their so called belief would in no way affect the size of any type of university (or other institution) research grant (or other funding). The future looks bleak for middle America, bear in mind however that no one will know or care that they've gone.
Therefore the world can look forward to world peace and prosperity within one generation once the bad brains have gone.
Famous people who were/are both God-botherers and warmongers : Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Ghengis Khan, Margaret Thatcher, Tony Baloney, Emperor Hirohito, Pope John Paul II, Julius Caesar.

* Sh*t for brains.
Steven Hawking (Obviously he hasn't got excrement for brains) has suggested that as we've completely cacked up this planet we should urgently be looking for a new one. This he says is important for the survival of the human race. Whether the survival of the human race is a good idea has not yet been debated. Over here in the land of hangovers a number of punters in the street were asked what they thought. This is always a recipe for disappointment as thinking is not encouraged in England where reciting platitudes is preferred. When one such punter was asked whether we might not just cack up another planet he responded that we (the human race) would not because we would have learnt from history. How we all roared at this naive point of view. 'Away home and fix your head' was the chorus greeting this response.
One thing which we have learnt from history, almost a law of history, is that nobody learns anything from history. No matter how much information is provided about an event or period of history everybody is left with the feeling that something has been omitted that would complete the picture but nobody has any idea what it is.
My personal attitude is along the lines of yeah right Steven let's get the hell out of here.

* Mel Gibson's new film.
The BBC was out and about hoping that Mel's new film would be a flop because:
a) They said the 'Passion of Christ' would flop and it didn't despite all the anti-Mel and anti-film tirades.
b) Mel was arrested for being drunk and said 'the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world' or something like that.
The BBC is keen that this politically incorrect and minority view of history should see him consigned to Hollywood history.
What is most interesting is that when people are arrested for being very drunk on tequila in charge of a vehicle this is not the sort of comment they normally make. Here in 'drunk as a skunk' England something along the lines of 'P*ss off filth', 'Come-on then, me and you', 'I know where you live your dead', etc is the general response. I feel it is the duty of all English persons, with their desire to imitate all thing American' should now take to expressing controversial positions on historical events.
'When arrested your Honour the accused shouted loudly that the number of people murdered by Stalin was greatly exaggerated, at this point a crowd gathered disputing loudly and he was taken into custody for his own protection.'
'On removing the accused from her vehicle, she bawled loudly that it had been a mistake for England to give up India.'
This should make binge Britain a more interesting place.

* Death by diagnosis.
A report has been released that shows there were 400 deaths in the last eight years carried out by mental patients who had been diagnosed as no longer being a danger and fit for 'care in the community'. This averages about one a week. No details were by the BBC from whom I received this nugget on how many patients previously held as a danger to the public and/or themselves had been released in the last eight years.
This is another feather in the cap of 'the greatest British prime minister of the 20th century' as some would have it or a 'massive carbuncle on the nose of British history' as I and others would have it. I mean, of course, Mrs Thatcher who had the brilliant idea of reducing national health spending by closing down all the mental health hospitals or looney bins as they were known and letting the insane live on the streets.

No doubt some of the recent problem lies with the human rights legislation which considers the rights of the mentally ill. This legislation gets evermore bizarre until it has now become the 'last resort of a scoundrel' turfing out nationalism from its number one position. Nationalism is now considered politically incorrect and Tony Baloney has been running round apologising for the slave trade.
I don't know about everybody else but I won't accept responsibility for anyone else's actions no matter how closely related they are. The idea that I accept responsibility for the actions of some English slaver has no chance.
I'm not one of those people who have adopted the recent craze for ancestor worship that has gripped the English and spawned a thousand 'trace your ancestors' web sites but family hearsay suggests that my ancestors were bonded serfs up until the beginning of the 20th century. I know serfdom was abolished earlier than this but I suspect the Lord of the Manor hit on the cunning ruse of not telling them.

Getting back to Mrs Thatcher and her cunning ruse this is the sort of report that will only persuade those people who intend to p*ss on her grave to double up their salute. This will cause any even bigger health hazard. My attempts to alert the authorities to the danger (see earlier blog entry) attendant on her eventual interment have not been received with the seriousness it requires. It will not be my fault if the graveyard receiving her remains is washed away in a sea of urine.

* Abort a Brit.
It was announced that there were 200,000 abortions in the UK last year. The persons who carry out these abortions have requested that the signature of only one doctor be required for an abortion and that nurses at these clinics be authorised to dispense the drugs used to initiate the abortion.
Sometimes the pregnant females arriving at the clinics discover there is only one doctor present. This can be very upsetting for them as they have to return another day. The process of having an abortion (a perfectly valid life style) is probably necessary as the person involved could not get to a chemist to obtain the 'morning after pill' or was unaware they had had sex or because the contraceptive method used had failed.
This total of 200,000 is an increase on previous years and the figure is rising. One would have thought by now a reliable form of contraception would be available, but obviously not as the figures show. This looks to me as just the area in the national health that could easily be privatised. It has a long history of private enterprise behind it.
It is amazing when you think how much time and effort has been put into sex education that so many people are unaware of the link between the sexual act and pregnancy. The failure rate for contraception must be pretty awful, one wonders whether British males are swallowing the condoms rather than wearing them, having become confused about how different methods of contraception work.

* Tony baloney. Tony Blair was out and about telling us what he intends for secondary education. Why doesn't he give up and just go home pack up his bags. He could give us all a seasonal present by b**gering off early. But no, Tony is concerned that with every entrant getting an 'A' at A'level its now harder to identify the brightest and best. What is Tony Baloney's solution? After months of profound thought he is introducing a new grade 'A*' (A star). So I guess when every entrant gets an 'A*' grade we'll have an 'A**' grade.
Now I know f*ck all about education but after years of investigating the parameters of the human psyche and the distribution and value ranges of these parameters within the population it might be possible to come up with a better suggestion than another grade that is useless as a measure of attainment.
I am beginning to think that Tony Baloney and his crew are deliberately discrediting the English examination system.
Perhaps it's some sublimated neurosis he got from being fagged too hard at public school for being a swot.

* Xmas idiots.
Already the 'lets not offend the Muslims or anyone else' brigade are issuing their guide lines to prevent any reference to Christmas this Christmas. As we are now a secular society and the purpose of Christmas is to off load crap childrens toys that have the entertainment value of dead cat on the public, I think this is only right.
For a start we should stop using the word holidays as this refers to 'holy days' as a replacement I suggest 'boozedays' as this is what most people will be doing.
Father Christmas should be referred to as 'Father Freebies', Christmas should be referred to as 'Winterboozedays, Easter as 'Springboozedays' and naturally 'Summerboozedays' instead of Summer holidays. Send your alternative suggestions to the BBC demanding they campaign for a change.